Team guides. Newcastle United.

August 15, 2012

Key player – Papiss Cisse – 9.5m

He scores when he wants. Quite literally. More often than anyone in Premier League history. Right foot, left foot, head, shin, arse, knee, chest, back. If it’s within 35 yards, the ball will hit the net. I hope.

New signing – Romain Amalfiltano – 5m

Who? Another Frenchman plundered from the lower reaches of Lique 1. Other than an Australian defender plundered from the lower reaches of the A-League, this is the only summer signing Newcastle have made thus far. I, like you, will find out of he’s any good when Newcastle play their first League Cup match of the season.

Bargain buy – Fabricio Coloccini – 5m

One of the best defenders in the league, and only 5 million pounds. Newcastle have never been known for their defensive stinginess, but 15 clean sheets last season was due in no small part to the captains commanding presence at the back.

Avoid – Chiek Tiote – 5m

Would walk into most Premier squads, but is hopeless from a fantasy point of view. The ultimate defensive midfielder. Carded 25 times in two seasons. Most refs write Tiote’s name in the book before the game, then rub it out at the end if he manages not to assault an opponent.

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